Today has not been a great day. This morning Grant had his 4 month check up and while he is a perfect baby boy, he isn't growing like he should...
It turns out he barely gained a 1/4 of a pound since his 2 month check up. He also fell from the 50% in height to the 25%.
To sum it up, he has fallen off the curve of his developmental growth charts and it's my fault. I know it's not anything I did purposefully but it is my fault in that I'm not producing enough milk for his needs right now. The pediatrician said he should be getting at least 4oz. per feeding but closer to 6oz. and I am only giving him 2oz. (on a good day).
This has been super hard for me to take today because I wasn't able to breast feed Kendall for more than a month. I was sure that this time around things would be different and I'd be able to feed Grant at least 9 months if not a whole year.
There is nothing worse than being disappointed in yourself. I am so worried that he has been so hungry for so long. It makes me nearly cry to think of this past week and his inability to sleep through the night because he was hungry. I feel like a horrible mother for not seeing it on my own...
I tried to feed him a bottle of formula today to make sure that he got a full feeding but he wouldn't take it. He hates formula. Hates it. He just cried and cried out of frustration while I tried to feed him the bottle and I cried right along with him. It broke my heart to not be able to feed him the way we are both so accustomed to. Feeding Grant has been such a wonderful bonding experience between us and it breaks my heart to think that it may have to end soon. He is my baby, my last baby. I wanted to keep him close as long as possible and 4 months wasn't at all what I had in mind.
I have done some research and I have a few things I'm going to try before I abandon breast feeding all together. I hope and pray that something works because switching him to formula is the last thing I want to do.
What a sad day.